I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I skipped work to stalk him.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
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