I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
