When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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