just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
is wine microwaveable?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
