you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
