I think im going to throw up on grandma
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
