what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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