If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
whose parrot is this?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
