How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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