oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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