Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
What a dumb baby whore.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
