I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
