my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
