For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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