I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
