11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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