Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
