i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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