This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈ðŸ˜
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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