OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
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