I just cut my nipple shaving
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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