don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
