did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
