made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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