He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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