hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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