my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Randomize
