dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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