I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
