he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
