My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
