I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
