I just cut my nipple shaving
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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