I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
