Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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