I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Your cock deserves a montage
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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