did you get engaged???
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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