i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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