I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
