Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!