my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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