well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
