got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
