I wish my penis had an off switch
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
a search helicopter?!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
