dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
