The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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