If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
