I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
