I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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