All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
