I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
