I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
