I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
