She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
