You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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