sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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