I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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