Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
