I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Green mimosas i think yes
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
