i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
